Blessings by Laura Story is one of the most amazing songs I have heard in a while. It reminds me that everything will be alright in the end and that we need to take the bad because it may lead to something good.
I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. My family has always been there even though we have had our differences. My sister and brother are finally becoming some of my best friends and it makes me extremely happy. I have an amazing roommate who has been there through the laughs and the tears. I now have a new person in my life for the past six months, who from the beginning has been one of my biggest fans and one of the biggest supports in my life. He is the most amazing person I have met and I definitely don't tell him that enough. He has been the one person who makes me feel loved and makes me feel secure and I know that I can trust him and that he trusts me. My boyfriend is the one person in the past six months who has been there for me through everything and whenever I need him. It is so weird to have the support that he has given me and it is something I am not used to experiencing with any of my past relationships. As I am going through changes in my life I know that all of these people will be there for me and it is something that I thank God for because he has been there for me since the beginning. I do the things I do for those that help me because I want to help them and make them proud of me.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Changes
In the past 5 months my life has changed so much. I have found someone when I least expected it. This person came into my life and has made me a much different person. We share so many things together but most of all volleyball. I have come to realize that the past 8 years I have been kidding myself and pretending to be happy because the people I was around the those I dated loved me more when I was happy. Putting a smile on my face and masking my emotions was what I learned to do best and even tricked myself into thinking I was happy. For the first time in a long time I can say I am truly happy and that no one has ever made me this happy. For the first time last week I admitted that I was in love and that I wasn't afraid of it but cautious. I'm excited for the Holiday season and getting to spend some of the most important times of the year with someone I care so deeply for. I am excited to see where the next 6 months take me. School is up in the air, my relationship is growing, my friend network is growing, my family is finally all on the same page and I feel like some peace is coming into my life.
This month was the month of things I am grateful for...these are things I am grateful for:
1. My family
2. My amazing boyfriend
3. The health of myself and family
4. Renewal of my faith
5. My amazing Friends, New and Old
6. Having a great apartment
7. Having not only one job but two
8. Everything I have in my life
This month was the month of things I am grateful for...these are things I am grateful for:
1. My family
2. My amazing boyfriend
3. The health of myself and family
4. Renewal of my faith
5. My amazing Friends, New and Old
6. Having a great apartment
7. Having not only one job but two
8. Everything I have in my life
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Soo Long
It has been quite some time since the last time I have sat down and blogged. Life has been crazy. I finally quit my job at Fleet, still have my job in the Lab and now work for ACR Homes. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I hope that school work gets done and that I get good grades but I just have to work harder than I have up to now. As far as the rest of my life it's been amazing. Josh is an amazing person who treats me so well. Currently I found out that my old boyfriend is moving to Michigan with his girflriend. I'm happy for him I just hope that he makes Michigan for himself not his girlfriend. He means the world to me and always will but Josh is the first person to make me not think about him almost ever. I couldn't have asked for a better person. With school and work he knows how busy I am and does all that he can to help me relieve stress. I'm excited because we are hosting a volleyball tournament for FIMRC which should hopefully be a good fundraiser. I love that we share volleyball, I love having something active in common that we can do together. Well it's late, and I have to be up early but I figured a quick update was necessary. Life is busy and crazy but I'm happier and more stressed than I have ever been!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Bath Time
It's been a while since I've written. I feel like in a matter of 20 days my entire life has changed courses. I officially want to go on to receive my masters for Nursing and then go on to become a DNP. I just know that I want to help people and this is the best way and why I haven't thought of this before blows my mind. I think it might be because my mother scared me out of being a nurse but not because she's an amazing one but she feels she should have gone on with her career, taken it to a new level. I'm excited to know what I want to do now I just have to get it. I'm working like crazy to make sure that this happens. I recently had an interview for biolife, which I hope I land this job because it would be amazing not only for myself but also for helping me get into the nursing profession.
I need to get back in touch with everyone concerning FIMRC because there is so much possibility for us this year. I'm excited that I'm going to be back for a full year and that I can be there with this group for all the activities I had planned in the spring. There's something about helping people that makes life so worth it. There are days that I get down and I feel like a failure, but I feel like I'm on a good path.
As far as the rest of my life. Socially I feel like I've drifted a bit from my friends but we are all so busy with jobs, lives, and relationships that I feel we have lost time for eachother. It's good though, the fact that we are all growing up, having jobs and having relationships. I'm glad that I myself have something of a relationship going. I'm extremely happy and it makes me happy everyday that I wake up knowing that something good has been happening in my life. Having no arguments, no "yelling" disagreements and a shared love of food makes things easy. I can't remember the last time things in life were easy but this is. There is such little expectation and a lot of fun. As I sat in an amazing bath tonight I realized that I'm so much different than a year ago and especially from two years ago. I feel that if my exes saw me today they'd rethink alot of what happened between me and them good and bad. But that's a good thing for me. I'm changing, evolving and becoming the person I really want to be. I'm in something good, I have good things happening for myself in school and career wise. It scares me a bit because I'll admit that I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. Whether it is with school and getting financial aid or not getting this new job, life just makes me nervous. I've been seeing this guy for about a month and a half and I'm just waiting for that moment that he either wakes up and realizes this isn't what he wants or I somehow talk myself out of it. So far neither has happened. A friend from high school recently passed away. She was a year younger and it makes me realize how fragile life is and that I really need to stop self sabotaging. It is no good for me and even worse for those around me. I'm going to let the good come and handle the bad as it presents itself. I'll question things from time to time and not know what to do about a lot of hard things but I'll survive, I'll get through them and I'll try to make the best of everything. It is sad because I'm going to be gone for a long period of time from the guy I'm seeing yet I'm so excited to catch up with really old friends, new friends, and get to experience the few things I've looked forward to all summer. I'm drinking life in in many different ways!
I need to get back in touch with everyone concerning FIMRC because there is so much possibility for us this year. I'm excited that I'm going to be back for a full year and that I can be there with this group for all the activities I had planned in the spring. There's something about helping people that makes life so worth it. There are days that I get down and I feel like a failure, but I feel like I'm on a good path.
As far as the rest of my life. Socially I feel like I've drifted a bit from my friends but we are all so busy with jobs, lives, and relationships that I feel we have lost time for eachother. It's good though, the fact that we are all growing up, having jobs and having relationships. I'm glad that I myself have something of a relationship going. I'm extremely happy and it makes me happy everyday that I wake up knowing that something good has been happening in my life. Having no arguments, no "yelling" disagreements and a shared love of food makes things easy. I can't remember the last time things in life were easy but this is. There is such little expectation and a lot of fun. As I sat in an amazing bath tonight I realized that I'm so much different than a year ago and especially from two years ago. I feel that if my exes saw me today they'd rethink alot of what happened between me and them good and bad. But that's a good thing for me. I'm changing, evolving and becoming the person I really want to be. I'm in something good, I have good things happening for myself in school and career wise. It scares me a bit because I'll admit that I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. Whether it is with school and getting financial aid or not getting this new job, life just makes me nervous. I've been seeing this guy for about a month and a half and I'm just waiting for that moment that he either wakes up and realizes this isn't what he wants or I somehow talk myself out of it. So far neither has happened. A friend from high school recently passed away. She was a year younger and it makes me realize how fragile life is and that I really need to stop self sabotaging. It is no good for me and even worse for those around me. I'm going to let the good come and handle the bad as it presents itself. I'll question things from time to time and not know what to do about a lot of hard things but I'll survive, I'll get through them and I'll try to make the best of everything. It is sad because I'm going to be gone for a long period of time from the guy I'm seeing yet I'm so excited to catch up with really old friends, new friends, and get to experience the few things I've looked forward to all summer. I'm drinking life in in many different ways!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Awkward Facebook Day
So today was an odd day. I feel like I saw at least three people I went to high school with with their wedding pictures up from last weekend. I saw a guy I considered dating get engaged to his gf of what seemed like a very short time. I get this weird feeling seeing all of this blowing up on my page. I sit there and think I'm so glad that's not me and I have no feeling of needing to be at that point in my life. I'm glad that it didn't happen and this realization took a long time to come to. I'm extremely happy with my life even though at times it gets frustrating. I like definitions, I like to have a title or not to have a title but at least know where the lines are drawn. Yet, I think about it and I don't want to ever push someone to define something that is going so well. I fear that if I push it'll just ruin it all, however, myself keeps saying "push, you want to know". So what do you do? I'm making a change and I'm just going to go with it. I'm happy and that should be all that matters. I'm sitting at home tonight dogsitting, watching How I Met Your Mother and I can't help but laugh. They're talking about change and as we get older it's inevitable.
I have changed so much not just in the last two years but in the last couple of months. I figured out my next move in life, Nursing School. I just know that I have one thing that I really want to do in my life and that is to help people. I realized how much I missed Nicaragua and how much I want to go back there and be able to contribute in a huge way. I want my life to be adventurous and fun and with absolutely no regrets. I want to find someone who wants that same thing and wants to share that with me. I'm making this happen with or without someone. The one thing my mother always wanted was to make sure that my sister and I were independent. While my sister may not be, I am and I will make the things I want to happen happen.
I have changed so much not just in the last two years but in the last couple of months. I figured out my next move in life, Nursing School. I just know that I have one thing that I really want to do in my life and that is to help people. I realized how much I missed Nicaragua and how much I want to go back there and be able to contribute in a huge way. I want my life to be adventurous and fun and with absolutely no regrets. I want to find someone who wants that same thing and wants to share that with me. I'm making this happen with or without someone. The one thing my mother always wanted was to make sure that my sister and I were independent. While my sister may not be, I am and I will make the things I want to happen happen.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
What If?
I've learned recently or at least I've taken into more consideration the fact that I say What If a lot. What if things don't work out? What if I don't feel this way anymore? What if I lose something good? What if I'm turning away that person who is better for me? What If What If What If??? I'm trying to change. I'm breaking down my walls, being 100% honest about everything and not saying What If. I get that I will from time to time say it in my head but I'm not going to let it affect my decisions I make now. I'm living in the moment and at the moment I'm more happy than I have ever been with anyone. I can't remember the last time I smiled this much, laughed this much or felt this much for another person. I'll admit that I love to plant a little jealousy seed when I can but always with reassurance that I'm not that type of person. This is the first time I've been 100% honest about everything and extremely upfront. I smile when I go to bed and I wake up with a smile on. It's too soon to think into the future on this one but what I can do is say that I'm the happiest I have ever been and I want it to continue and that I look forward to what is to come. I'm finally getting some sort of happiness that I have sought for a long time now.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Confused
This past week has been pretty amazing as far as friends, activities, and work goes. However, my family front is a little rough. I feel like we worked so hard to move on from how things were when I was in high school and I feel like we are back there once again. I wish my mother would realize how much worry I have on my mind, how much I'm concerned with money and how I'm going to get everything done and where it is I'm going with my life. I've had a hard time dealing with the constant comments that are known to drive me up the wall. I need her to realize I get it, I always have, when I have I shown you any reason to think that I don't understand things? It's been a rough afternoon following a great night and morning.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and Wisdom to know the difference
I guess this is a good test though. I need to handle this situation differently than I would have in the past.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and Wisdom to know the difference
I guess this is a good test though. I need to handle this situation differently than I would have in the past.
Monday, June 13, 2011
What a weekend
So far this summer I haven't had a horrible weekend, I guess unless you count in the fact my car no longer works, but I'm getting a new, old one YAY! This weekend was great! Nick's birthday was on Friday night and we tried out the new Sgt Prestons....Republic....Nice place if you want to chill, have a sophisticated conversation, and try some really good beers. However, we were in dancing mode so we made our way to Legends and made it our own party. Had a lot of good drinks with friends and some awesome dancing! Saturday it was a chill day by the pool did some grilling and had some drinks and played games. Overall a great night except for having to wake up at 9:30 AM to let my aunt show the house which meant everything had to be cleaned. But went back to bed until 2:00 PM. And then for Sunday I had one of the best days I have had in a while. I got to spend it with someone that has my current interest. Had some Chinese food on the couch and watched movies the entire afternoon. It was a completely awesome day and some fun that I haven't had in a while. However, it did suck because pretty positive I got maybe an hour of sleep and then worked from 6:30 AM-3:00 PM, played 6 games of volleyball and then by the time I got home it was 10:00. Now I'm showered, had some fruit for dinner, took some allergy medicine to hopefully get rid of the horrible allergies I've experienced all day and get some sleep before work again. I'm really looking forward to the days and weeks ahead with my good friends and some really awesome new ones. Things might be looking up for myself.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
June 1, 2011
Who knows what this day will bring but it is 00:36 and I'm excited. Why am I excited? Because I feel satisfied and maybe that's just a momentary thing but I feel satisfied. I feel like I'm normal. Normal isn't something that I feel normally. Maybe I should feel alone sitting downstairs in my aunt's basement, alone watching missed television shows on Hulu and movies on Netflix. Maybe I should feel sad or afraid of what is in front of me as far as my future. Most of the time I would but tonight, I'm content, satisfied, and happy. I can say I am going to bed with a smile on my face which hasn't happened in 9 months.
It amazes me how many people need to grow up and take charge of their lives and realize that there are so many more big problems out there. I'll admit I needed to grow up. I was immature, unknowing, and selfish in a sense that I was selfish because I didn't care to see more in the world. People can blind you, relationships can fog your sense of thinking, and friendships can steer you in different ways. In the past two years I have grown up by about 10 years. I feel like I have a new sense of self, world, and wanting. I have said for the past several posts that I'm ready for the next part of my life and I feel like it really has started. I have seen who my friends are and who they will be and I've realized who I shouldn't have in my life and even met some people who made me realize that's not what I want. I'm still waiting for that Mr. Right to come around but I have time, and I want time. I want time to make sure that they're the right person. I have a lot to give to people and I want to make sure that for once I'm getting what I deserve back. I'm no longer in a self-pity mode, lonely feeling, or needy. I'm ready to be open and accept what gets handed to me. I value the things my parents have taught me and the morals that I grew up with. I'm ready to make another life change and really lose some bad habits and lose some of the bad life choices I have chosen in the past.
People can pick on those who are Catholic or those who grow up in a stricter Catholic family but I'm glad I did. Not to say my parents are strict at all now days but there was discipline and love and my roots are what made me the person I am today. My family and my faith have helped me get through the tough news, the good news, and the decisions I have had to make in my life. I thank God for the health of my family and for maintaining the health of my mom. I thank my family for making me a strong person and making me independent. In the words of my mother, "I just want you girls to be independent and not depend on some man". Well mom, I can officially say I am that independent woman, and I have had to learn how to be that after leaning on someone or others for some time. I want to be happy for the rest of my life and I know there will be plenty of hard times and plenty of sad times, but I want to see the good in everything and I certainly do try.
Life has so many crazy things that happen and while sometimes it drives me nuts I've learned that no matter what I will get over wanting things that I know I can't or probably won't have, I will have something good come my way, I will have something go wrong, and that I will still come out on the other side.
It amazes me how many people need to grow up and take charge of their lives and realize that there are so many more big problems out there. I'll admit I needed to grow up. I was immature, unknowing, and selfish in a sense that I was selfish because I didn't care to see more in the world. People can blind you, relationships can fog your sense of thinking, and friendships can steer you in different ways. In the past two years I have grown up by about 10 years. I feel like I have a new sense of self, world, and wanting. I have said for the past several posts that I'm ready for the next part of my life and I feel like it really has started. I have seen who my friends are and who they will be and I've realized who I shouldn't have in my life and even met some people who made me realize that's not what I want. I'm still waiting for that Mr. Right to come around but I have time, and I want time. I want time to make sure that they're the right person. I have a lot to give to people and I want to make sure that for once I'm getting what I deserve back. I'm no longer in a self-pity mode, lonely feeling, or needy. I'm ready to be open and accept what gets handed to me. I value the things my parents have taught me and the morals that I grew up with. I'm ready to make another life change and really lose some bad habits and lose some of the bad life choices I have chosen in the past.
People can pick on those who are Catholic or those who grow up in a stricter Catholic family but I'm glad I did. Not to say my parents are strict at all now days but there was discipline and love and my roots are what made me the person I am today. My family and my faith have helped me get through the tough news, the good news, and the decisions I have had to make in my life. I thank God for the health of my family and for maintaining the health of my mom. I thank my family for making me a strong person and making me independent. In the words of my mother, "I just want you girls to be independent and not depend on some man". Well mom, I can officially say I am that independent woman, and I have had to learn how to be that after leaning on someone or others for some time. I want to be happy for the rest of my life and I know there will be plenty of hard times and plenty of sad times, but I want to see the good in everything and I certainly do try.
Life has so many crazy things that happen and while sometimes it drives me nuts I've learned that no matter what I will get over wanting things that I know I can't or probably won't have, I will have something good come my way, I will have something go wrong, and that I will still come out on the other side.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Summer of 2011
And so it begins...another summer with amazing old friends and of course some new ones. I'm excited about the adventures to be had and I'm glad to have a new outlook on things. I am back to loving sports both watching and playing and back to being the person I have come to love being in the past. The great part about life and the different paths that are possible is the fact that you grow and learn more about the person you are, the person you want to be, and the person you didn't know you could be. I would like to think I'm a great daughter, sister, granddaughter, and friend. I would like to be a great companion, best friend, wife, and mother. I have learned I can love unconditionally, be non judgemental, open and a good listener. Let the summer of 2011 begin!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Self Conflict
As I am lying in bed praying to fall asleep, which was clearly unsuccessful, I think back to the beginning of the year, September 2010. I was moving in with a new roommate, I had a boyfriend, My life was on the right track, everything seemed in place and slowly as the year went on everything seemed to unravel. From that unraveled thread something new was made and my life is where I want it to be. But I sit in bed thinking about how difficult it was for me to break down all of my walls and give in and finally say that I'm open to let someone in and new opportunites in. I remember the exact moment that first happened at the end of summer 2010.
Driving home from work at 11:00 pm on a Saturday night I was crossing the bridge back to MN and I decided, what do I have to lose, what can I possibly get myself into other than something good by finally letting someone in. So I called that person and everything seemed good. I was the happiest I ever was when I returned to the cities on Sunday and that morning I opened the door to a man with flowers and I gave him the biggest hug ever because I felt relieved for once in my life to not feel like I was letting myself nor someone else down. I was ready to be happy. Turns out the flowers were "I messed up flowers" which translated into "I cheated on you, but I want to be with you". Wow my world was turned upside down and had been up until April 2011. I'm finally back 100%, fully charged and ready to go. I realize the mistakes I've made in the past and I realize the mistakes that I've let others make in the past. It's all different now. What is the point in waiting to let someone in. Well it probably is a good thing to be cautious but I'm going to trust my gut. My gut previously told me not to, which proved me right in the end but there have been plenty of chances where I said no, I can't. As of this moment it is I can. I am sick of saying no or I can't or sorry. I can is going to be a part of every aspect of my life. I'm ready to move on from the past, forgive those in my past, rekindle old frienships, make lots of new ones and be ready to accept everything that is thrown my way. I can make it through these three finals in the next twenty four hours and I will do it with good grades. I can make it through and see the end and I can get through the anxieties of graduation. There's a part of me sad that graduation will be without someone, that significant other to cheer me on, that can share it with but I have some of my closest friends there by my side and that makes me feel good. This makes me feel like I didn't completely mess up parts of my life. I have great friends and I know that on Saturday at 7:30 I will be walking out along side of them amongst many other acquaintances and I will make it through to the otherside happier than ever! I'm greatful for some of my greatest friends who will be there watching and supporting because they know my fears for that day. I can't thank them enough for everything they have done for me. I just hope that I have given some of that back and can continue to do that for them in the future. Bring it on Summer 2011, we are ready for you and have been waiting for sometime. What's the goal? To have an even better summer than the last!
Driving home from work at 11:00 pm on a Saturday night I was crossing the bridge back to MN and I decided, what do I have to lose, what can I possibly get myself into other than something good by finally letting someone in. So I called that person and everything seemed good. I was the happiest I ever was when I returned to the cities on Sunday and that morning I opened the door to a man with flowers and I gave him the biggest hug ever because I felt relieved for once in my life to not feel like I was letting myself nor someone else down. I was ready to be happy. Turns out the flowers were "I messed up flowers" which translated into "I cheated on you, but I want to be with you". Wow my world was turned upside down and had been up until April 2011. I'm finally back 100%, fully charged and ready to go. I realize the mistakes I've made in the past and I realize the mistakes that I've let others make in the past. It's all different now. What is the point in waiting to let someone in. Well it probably is a good thing to be cautious but I'm going to trust my gut. My gut previously told me not to, which proved me right in the end but there have been plenty of chances where I said no, I can't. As of this moment it is I can. I am sick of saying no or I can't or sorry. I can is going to be a part of every aspect of my life. I'm ready to move on from the past, forgive those in my past, rekindle old frienships, make lots of new ones and be ready to accept everything that is thrown my way. I can make it through these three finals in the next twenty four hours and I will do it with good grades. I can make it through and see the end and I can get through the anxieties of graduation. There's a part of me sad that graduation will be without someone, that significant other to cheer me on, that can share it with but I have some of my closest friends there by my side and that makes me feel good. This makes me feel like I didn't completely mess up parts of my life. I have great friends and I know that on Saturday at 7:30 I will be walking out along side of them amongst many other acquaintances and I will make it through to the otherside happier than ever! I'm greatful for some of my greatest friends who will be there watching and supporting because they know my fears for that day. I can't thank them enough for everything they have done for me. I just hope that I have given some of that back and can continue to do that for them in the future. Bring it on Summer 2011, we are ready for you and have been waiting for sometime. What's the goal? To have an even better summer than the last!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Finally Spring is Here
I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm semi-emotional. Dealing with the ups and downs of life can be rough but Graduation is almost here. It is exactly 9 days away and I'm nervous and excited. I have dreams about it. I realize that probably no one else is quite as crazy about graduation as I am. I don't even know why exactly I am. I suppose it has to do with the fact that it's something my parents and I have dreamt of for a while. It only took 5 years to finally get to this point but I can finally say that I've graduated from college. It's funny because I sit around and think about what I can do with my life in the meantime as I wait to get into a PA program and I can't think of anything. I can't think of a single way to use my TWO degrees. I think that's it's funny that after 60,000 dollars worth of debt I can't think of a single thing. BUT it's graduation, I'm finally done with slaving over school, for the time being. It's sunny out today and it makes me extremely happy and hopeful! Bring on graduation, bring on the real world, I'm ready to start something new.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Reflections on the 5th Year
Oh what a year full of ups and downs and twists and turns. I don't regret anything because I feel like if I did I wouldn't be the person that I am today. So many of my decisions, both good and bad, form me to be a better person each day. There are so many things to look forward to in the next few weeks.
1. Graduation May 14th
2. End of finals May 10th
3. CNA class starts May 16th
4. Moving out May 13th
5. Working a ton
6. Soundset @ end of May
I'm excited and very hopeful for the future. There have been a lot of new people in my life, old people in my life and I've lost some of those that meant a lot to me. But in the end everythiing turns out for the better. I have learned that I need to trust myself and give myself more credit for when I know something isn't right for myself. My biggest problem is listening to myself when it comes to those that I let get close to me. I need to learn to trust myself when I know that someone isn't good for me and when there are those that are good for me. Luckily, even though the first few months of the school year were extremely rough, a lot of really good people emerged into my life. There were some that were acquaintances from last summer and there were those I've known for years that have become a greater part of my life and it excites me.
My family is still my number one priority and getting my life together and finally on the right path is what they need for me to be able to take care of them. I know that my life doesn't have to be nearly as stressful as I make it out to be but I take on the worries of those around me and those that I care about (which is pretty much all of my friends and family). In the end hopefully helping those around me will pay off but until then I will keep doing my part.
It's time for myself again, it's time for me to be that carefree, loving, warm, happy person I was last May. While my happiness may have been in having met someone I really felt alot for, I think that I'm at that point in my life where independence is something I really need and that leaning on someone isn't what I need. I need to learn to trust myself, believe in myself, and realize that I need no one there to make me who I am and get me to where I need to be.
I'm hopeful for this summer to be better than the last and I'm hopeful that this next year will bring a lot of opportunities to me and that PA school will be in my near future. As I work through becoming a calmer not so high strung person I have learned that things that I worry about don't need to be my worry and that it's good to just go with the flow and take things as they come. Now that my life is more in order I feel like it's alot less clutter in my life and that it's time for me to finally take a step back and see all that I've accomplished and take time to be proud of myself and sit back and reap the benefits of all my hard work. Hopefully life keeps up on this rising rollercoaster ride. I'm open to accept every opportunity and really embrace the new things that come into my life.
1. Graduation May 14th
2. End of finals May 10th
3. CNA class starts May 16th
4. Moving out May 13th
5. Working a ton
6. Soundset @ end of May
I'm excited and very hopeful for the future. There have been a lot of new people in my life, old people in my life and I've lost some of those that meant a lot to me. But in the end everythiing turns out for the better. I have learned that I need to trust myself and give myself more credit for when I know something isn't right for myself. My biggest problem is listening to myself when it comes to those that I let get close to me. I need to learn to trust myself when I know that someone isn't good for me and when there are those that are good for me. Luckily, even though the first few months of the school year were extremely rough, a lot of really good people emerged into my life. There were some that were acquaintances from last summer and there were those I've known for years that have become a greater part of my life and it excites me.
My family is still my number one priority and getting my life together and finally on the right path is what they need for me to be able to take care of them. I know that my life doesn't have to be nearly as stressful as I make it out to be but I take on the worries of those around me and those that I care about (which is pretty much all of my friends and family). In the end hopefully helping those around me will pay off but until then I will keep doing my part.
It's time for myself again, it's time for me to be that carefree, loving, warm, happy person I was last May. While my happiness may have been in having met someone I really felt alot for, I think that I'm at that point in my life where independence is something I really need and that leaning on someone isn't what I need. I need to learn to trust myself, believe in myself, and realize that I need no one there to make me who I am and get me to where I need to be.
I'm hopeful for this summer to be better than the last and I'm hopeful that this next year will bring a lot of opportunities to me and that PA school will be in my near future. As I work through becoming a calmer not so high strung person I have learned that things that I worry about don't need to be my worry and that it's good to just go with the flow and take things as they come. Now that my life is more in order I feel like it's alot less clutter in my life and that it's time for me to finally take a step back and see all that I've accomplished and take time to be proud of myself and sit back and reap the benefits of all my hard work. Hopefully life keeps up on this rising rollercoaster ride. I'm open to accept every opportunity and really embrace the new things that come into my life.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Easter Weekend
After a great weekend with the family back home I find myself standing outside with one of the two dogs my parents have. As I wait for him to do his business I take a moment and just listen to the crickets and look up at the stars. It is amazing how the stars are so clear down here, how it is so easy to get lost in their amazing beauty.
As I head into the last three weeks of school, I am anxious, nervous, stressed, and feeling a bit lost. I feel like school is the last thing on my mind and that all of my other priorities, jobs, CNA training, getting into the phlebotomy program at St. Kates, registering for classes in the fall, moving, etc, are getting in my way. I am however extremely excited for graduation. I will be the very last person to be announced at graduation because I am a multiple major and a W. Hopefully that will not be awkward. My ex-boyfriend is also graduating at the same time, luckily not his current girlfriend. I am excited to be there with some of my good friends along side of me, it is nice to see all that I've accomplished and be recognized for it. It's been a long and fast two years. I'm ready for the next chapter of my life even though I have not quite gotten into school yet. I am on the way to greater things and our 5 year highschool reunion is approaching. I feel completely out of touch with these people and to be honest they are a part of my past that right now I want to keep in my past. Debating on whether or not to go still.
This upcoming week involves a lot of great people, great food, fun times, and a lot of hard work! I'm excited about this new job I started but am finding it hard to have those at my old job let go of me so that I can start full time at this new job. I can't wait for things to be past me and for only the good times, relaxation, and working to begin. I am truly excited for this new chapter, turning a new leaf, and starting something completely unventured by myself. I plan to live every day to the fullest, take time to thank those in my life, take time to appreciate the small things, and take time to see everything around me that is good!
As I head into the last three weeks of school, I am anxious, nervous, stressed, and feeling a bit lost. I feel like school is the last thing on my mind and that all of my other priorities, jobs, CNA training, getting into the phlebotomy program at St. Kates, registering for classes in the fall, moving, etc, are getting in my way. I am however extremely excited for graduation. I will be the very last person to be announced at graduation because I am a multiple major and a W. Hopefully that will not be awkward. My ex-boyfriend is also graduating at the same time, luckily not his current girlfriend. I am excited to be there with some of my good friends along side of me, it is nice to see all that I've accomplished and be recognized for it. It's been a long and fast two years. I'm ready for the next chapter of my life even though I have not quite gotten into school yet. I am on the way to greater things and our 5 year highschool reunion is approaching. I feel completely out of touch with these people and to be honest they are a part of my past that right now I want to keep in my past. Debating on whether or not to go still.
This upcoming week involves a lot of great people, great food, fun times, and a lot of hard work! I'm excited about this new job I started but am finding it hard to have those at my old job let go of me so that I can start full time at this new job. I can't wait for things to be past me and for only the good times, relaxation, and working to begin. I am truly excited for this new chapter, turning a new leaf, and starting something completely unventured by myself. I plan to live every day to the fullest, take time to thank those in my life, take time to appreciate the small things, and take time to see everything around me that is good!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Turning a New Leaf
April 10, 2011. This seems like a good time to take a glance at my life, the things I'm doing wrong, the things I want to do, the things I am currently doing, and those that are important to me. I realize that I participate in behaviors that I'm not necessarily proud of. I think that in the last two years I have explored all the things I feel like I may have missed or not participated in from the beginning of college to end of Junior year. During this time the focus of my life was not school, it was not my famliy, and it was not myself, it was every single need of my boyfriend.
Soon the trees will begin to grow new leaves and be full of life again. It's time to make a change for good. It's time for me to focus on me and only me. My family, my friends, people I work with, and those I just meet take up a lot of my time and focus. I rarely get time to focus on just me. It's my turn. I'll still be there for everyone and I will always worry about them, but I need to think about myself and be selfish for a bit.
Life is starting to come together so I feel it's a good time to reevaluate and make some changes. I'm ready for this new chapter of my life that I've been talking about. I'm kind of ready to remake myself and be happy like I was for a short time a year and a half ago. Having a new outlook on things (even though I've said it many times) I finally feel like I can make this happen for me. I want to make a change, I want my life to go in the direction I've always imagined, and I'm finally to the point where I'm ready to make these things come true for myself.
Soon the trees will begin to grow new leaves and be full of life again. It's time to make a change for good. It's time for me to focus on me and only me. My family, my friends, people I work with, and those I just meet take up a lot of my time and focus. I rarely get time to focus on just me. It's my turn. I'll still be there for everyone and I will always worry about them, but I need to think about myself and be selfish for a bit.
Life is starting to come together so I feel it's a good time to reevaluate and make some changes. I'm ready for this new chapter of my life that I've been talking about. I'm kind of ready to remake myself and be happy like I was for a short time a year and a half ago. Having a new outlook on things (even though I've said it many times) I finally feel like I can make this happen for me. I want to make a change, I want my life to go in the direction I've always imagined, and I'm finally to the point where I'm ready to make these things come true for myself.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
How to get rid of all the unnecessary
How do you get rid of the things in your life that you feel are so unnecessary yet there is something about your personality that tries to make everything alright. I woke up this morning thinking this day is great, it's sunny out, I'm going out with friends to see a movie, and then I'm going to be playing a ton of volleyball with some great people. All of the suddent I'm in between an argument with my sister and my mother which I think I helped both see how they were right and wrong and how to get through the problem and come out on the other side with both being happy. I also find out my dad after working for the store he has been at for over 35 years is telling him he's not doing a good enough job and making him drive a half hour for less pay to another store. I don't know what it is about me but I automatically feel bad for people when they get bad news or have to go through something hard. It's not only feeling bad for them but me also taking the grief, pressure, stress, and emotions on for them. Maybe it's a character flaw, maybe it's a flawed personality or maybe I'm just too weak. When I finally got over all of that I went out to NE Minneapolis to pick up a prescription and while I'm standing in the candy aisle looking for stuff to get for the movie and trying to remember what kind of candy everyone likes so I can get some for everyone I get a text saying that one person who is coming to the movie doesn't want me to go. That one person I have no idea what I did to him to ever make him dislike me. I have never been mean to him even though he has done everything to put people against me. It's funny because we started out our friendship with him being great, I was a great friend to him, we were a lot a like, and occassionally he'd try to push that friendship boundary. But I never judged him, I never disliked him for the way he was, I was really understanding, and I tried to look past all the bad things, yet he for some reason can't grow up. I don't know why I keep associating myself with these types of people. Maybe it's because I know that they're capable of good and maybe I feel I can take the heat for the time being and just be the punching bag. But when I get to such a low point in my day I try to think of what the point was or what the worth in it was, that's when I begin to realize there was none. Some people, or groups of people, just don't know when to grow up, take the higher road, and move on with life. I've tried to so hard to be there for these people and I just get slapped in the face.
I'd like to say from now that I'm going to not associate with these types of people and that I'm going to just move on. But I know that I will continue to try and be that friend to them even when they do things that are wrong. Even last night my persistance showed me that this outlook and way of acting does work out sometimes. I had a few incidents with one of the girls in the group and I have forgiven and moved past the incidents and last night was a great time. Sometimes I feel that God tries to reward me for my patience and persistence. Perhaps it is all worth it. But there are days where I feel like I just want to sink away. Today it is beautiful out and I can't let one silly person who is a known "not so nice" person get me down. I'm being the bigger person and I'm going to look past it.
I'd like to say from now that I'm going to not associate with these types of people and that I'm going to just move on. But I know that I will continue to try and be that friend to them even when they do things that are wrong. Even last night my persistance showed me that this outlook and way of acting does work out sometimes. I had a few incidents with one of the girls in the group and I have forgiven and moved past the incidents and last night was a great time. Sometimes I feel that God tries to reward me for my patience and persistence. Perhaps it is all worth it. But there are days where I feel like I just want to sink away. Today it is beautiful out and I can't let one silly person who is a known "not so nice" person get me down. I'm being the bigger person and I'm going to look past it.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Spring is in the Air!
I'm so happy that the days are finally getting longer and the weather is finally getting warmer with of course the spring rain. I'll take the rain over the snow at this point. It makes work a lot easier when I don't have to go out and clean off tons of cars. Life is a bit hectic at the moment. On one hand I'm excited and joyful over graduating May 14th, 2011, however, the fear begins to set in not because oh no I have to find a job but more so because I have to start paying my loans. Reapplying to school is stressful and will be out of the way in a few months. I hope to become CNA so that I can get a job in the hospital and have more patient care experience which will help me in the end with getting into PA school. In the meantime I guess I'll wait until I hear back from schools and continue to work and take a few more classes.
The Foundation for International Medical Relief group has finally taken off and we're on the road to making this group a much better one. We have events planned for this Spring, Summer, and even next Fall. We are planning our trip for Winter Break 2011. I'm excited because we added two new group members and hope to recruit many more over orientation weekend. I'm excited and nervous because being President of a group is hard to do and it's really stressful and everyone looks to you for answers; at the same time I'm excited to be in such a position that I have the respect of those I work with and I also have the ability to manage others well and divide work. It's exciting but I wish this would have been what it was like for me Freshman year when I had four years ahead of me and all the time in the world to do it. I guess that's why they say hindsight is always 20/20.
I'm hopeful for the future. I am excited to move onto the next chapter of my life. Who knows who I'll meet, be with, or say good bye to. What I know is that I have a core group of amazing friends and I will forever have the support of my amazing family that I hope to one day repay them for everything they have done for me.
The Foundation for International Medical Relief group has finally taken off and we're on the road to making this group a much better one. We have events planned for this Spring, Summer, and even next Fall. We are planning our trip for Winter Break 2011. I'm excited because we added two new group members and hope to recruit many more over orientation weekend. I'm excited and nervous because being President of a group is hard to do and it's really stressful and everyone looks to you for answers; at the same time I'm excited to be in such a position that I have the respect of those I work with and I also have the ability to manage others well and divide work. It's exciting but I wish this would have been what it was like for me Freshman year when I had four years ahead of me and all the time in the world to do it. I guess that's why they say hindsight is always 20/20.
I'm hopeful for the future. I am excited to move onto the next chapter of my life. Who knows who I'll meet, be with, or say good bye to. What I know is that I have a core group of amazing friends and I will forever have the support of my amazing family that I hope to one day repay them for everything they have done for me.
Monday, February 28, 2011
A Year Ago
A year ago my life seemed like it was getting back on track. From the summer of 2009 to the spring of 2010 my life had been a series of dates, hook ups, and trying to find the right person. It's funny now that I can look back on it but it seemed like the Fall of 2009 was going to be good to me and bring me to someone that I had once had feelings for and that I would finally get to explore those feelings. He is an amazing person and someone that will always have a place in my heart. He helped me realize that I could be and do anything and also helped me realize that I could be loved again and that I could potentially love someone back. Through our ups and downs through that short period of relationship, as well as the years previously, I have not and will never lose respect for him. He is a great person with such a great future in front of him. It's sad to think that we were just never on the same page to be able to give ourselves a chance but I know that he is extremely happy with his new girlfriend and I am overjoyed for him. I've turned down many guys who were perfect or at least seemed to be. I got to a point where I felt I needed to run because if I didn't they would eventually. I realize that's really a typical response for a lot of people who have dealt with a really big breakup with a very significant relationship, however, it's exactly how I looked at things. By spring 2010 I was ready to give it a chance with someone else that I found who I thought the world of when I met him. Everything seemed great, other than the fact that I was completely unable to give my best efforts. The day that I was to tell him that I was going to just go with it, give it a shot with nothing holding me back was the day I found out he had cheated on me. Ha! story of my life. I guess it's Karma in a sense. I think that these past few months have really put me on a weird rollercoaster that I can't seem to get off of but I'm ready to.
I realize that post after post sounds the same and that I come to these realizations a lot, however, I know that I may the only person who can make myself better, who can find true happiness, and I am someone who does deserve something good. I feel like I've paid my dues and now it's time to just go on with life and be happy again. It's funny how easy it is to lose your happiness sometimes and how hard it is to get back to it but once you do you realize how stupid you were for ever losing it in the first place. I'm ready. I want my life to not seem like I'm wasting time or losing time but to seem like it's the best time of my life that I'll never get back. There are so many things in my future that I can't wait for, no matter how nerve racking they can be. I'm lucky to have the support of my family; I don't know what I would do if I didn't have them. I hope that I am doing everything I can to be that support for them as well as for my friends. I'm done living in the past; I want to move into the future remembering the mistakes I've made but not dwelling on them.
I realize that post after post sounds the same and that I come to these realizations a lot, however, I know that I may the only person who can make myself better, who can find true happiness, and I am someone who does deserve something good. I feel like I've paid my dues and now it's time to just go on with life and be happy again. It's funny how easy it is to lose your happiness sometimes and how hard it is to get back to it but once you do you realize how stupid you were for ever losing it in the first place. I'm ready. I want my life to not seem like I'm wasting time or losing time but to seem like it's the best time of my life that I'll never get back. There are so many things in my future that I can't wait for, no matter how nerve racking they can be. I'm lucky to have the support of my family; I don't know what I would do if I didn't have them. I hope that I am doing everything I can to be that support for them as well as for my friends. I'm done living in the past; I want to move into the future remembering the mistakes I've made but not dwelling on them.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Making a Change
It's amazing how some people that you let into your life will just never see things from another person's perspective or ever attempt to try to understand another position because the one important position to them is their own. I've always been a very giving person whether it's to strangers, friends, family, or significant others. It's a mistake and yet something that I feel is a good quality to have. It hurts at times to be that way because it is a lot easier to be taken advantage of. Tonight was an eye opener and actually this weekend was. Between being yelled at about not communicating my thoughts or feelings by someone too drunk to even know what's going on in the world and dealing with another person who just can't wrap their head around taking the words that I say and following them. I don't know what I do to make the ones that I don't want to be with want to be with me. I just want something normal in my life and I want my life to be back to where I was a year ago. Independence to me is the most important part of my life and I want it completely back and I don't want to have to feel like I need to worry about someone else's feelings. Starting tomorrow it's a whole new day. A day where I leave the past behind me, the future bright in front of me. I need only positive things and people in my life. I need to make this happen for myself or it never will. I can't hold anyone else accountable for my happiness, "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." And in the words of Andy Grammar there are only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, it's a circle that will come around but you have to keep your head up.
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Week Ahead
I'm excited for this week. I'm trying to stay positive and not let anything get me down or in my way. It's my birthday week. I turn 23 officially Tuesday evening. It's another year done with and it's slightly nerve racking because I don't know what it is that I'm doing with my life. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to be doing especially since school applications haven't been going the way that I want. But no matter what this week is going to be a good week. I have my schedule written out and all of my work that needs to be done written down. This weekend involves awesome people who make my world amazing as well as volleyball on Sunday. It's been a hard few weeks and I'm ready to put it all behind me.
My challenge this past weekend was dealing with a friend who wanted more than friends. How do you tell someone that you love as a friend that you don't want to be anything more? ...for a second time. I feel like those are the type of people I attract; I attract those types of people that are not right for me in anyway yet somehow they end up liking me. I'm not complaining but it's still not a good situation because I feel it hurts my relationships with my friends at times. It's also stressful on me when I'm not doing anything to lead another person on yet it still happens. But with that past me and with my sisters wedding dress shopping past us I'm ready for this week. I'm so glad my sister found a dress that we could see she clearly loved from the moment she stepped in to it. Now just to lose some weight and get fitted for the bridesmaid dress. I love my sister more and more each year and each chance we get to grow into our more mature sisterly roles. We have always been best friends and always loved eachother but until recently we haven't really gotten a long well since we were little girls. I feel she's finally maturing and realizing that she needs to grow up. She's engaged to be married in a year and a half and it's time to get into that big girl role. She's only 20 but it's time she starts to take responsibility on such as helping me out with my grandparents. My family is the most important thing to me and making sure that they are all happy and living well makes me feel so much better.
But anyhow, this week is going to be a good week.
My challenge this past weekend was dealing with a friend who wanted more than friends. How do you tell someone that you love as a friend that you don't want to be anything more? ...for a second time. I feel like those are the type of people I attract; I attract those types of people that are not right for me in anyway yet somehow they end up liking me. I'm not complaining but it's still not a good situation because I feel it hurts my relationships with my friends at times. It's also stressful on me when I'm not doing anything to lead another person on yet it still happens. But with that past me and with my sisters wedding dress shopping past us I'm ready for this week. I'm so glad my sister found a dress that we could see she clearly loved from the moment she stepped in to it. Now just to lose some weight and get fitted for the bridesmaid dress. I love my sister more and more each year and each chance we get to grow into our more mature sisterly roles. We have always been best friends and always loved eachother but until recently we haven't really gotten a long well since we were little girls. I feel she's finally maturing and realizing that she needs to grow up. She's engaged to be married in a year and a half and it's time to get into that big girl role. She's only 20 but it's time she starts to take responsibility on such as helping me out with my grandparents. My family is the most important thing to me and making sure that they are all happy and living well makes me feel so much better.
But anyhow, this week is going to be a good week.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Love...
It's amazing how things that have no relation to your emotions or your situations or feelings can trigger such a response. Sitting in front of the TV on a Sunday night watching the Hallmark movie starring Betty White and Jennifer Love Hewitt I cried through almost the entire thing. If it weren't for commercial breaks I may have become dehydrated. Betty White starred a woman who's love of her life went overseas during WWII and went missing in action. Through the movie a reporter, Jennifer Love Hewitt, helps her find what happened to this man. Basically the movie is about love and finding true love and how you can never put things off; rather it is so important to live in the moment as well as taking time to smell the roses.
Why did I cry so much and how silly does that seem? Well two years ago I lost my bestfriend and love of my life. We didn't always get along and we had our moments and were definitely up and down the relationship rollercoaster but I loved him just as much. We ended our relationship and a few months after he was with the same person he is with today. My heart is fully with him still and because we stopped talking and ended all means of communication my heart aches more. I love with all of my heart and while it may be a good thing for whoever I'm loving it is also a curse for me. Dating isn't in my vocabulary, or more so I haven't found anyone who wanted to take me on a date. Don't get me wrong I've had plenty of guys I've "dated" and plenty that I've had a semi serious relationship with, however, I can never give 100% and it's never fair. I always find a way to end things, to make sure I can't get hurt and make sure that I don't hurt them. I want to put my past in the past but my everyday revolves around my first and only love. He was my life for so long, and I know that not being together was the best decision we both made yet I still hurt over everything. As life goes on I feel like I'm getting too old, that maybe I should just give up on it all. I'm helping plan my little sisters wedding. Things are just not how I expected them to ever be. Maybe this is a way of life telling me to move on, start fresh, and let what comes come. I did have one serious relationship, my most recent and now finished relationship. I was faithful, at times cold and distant, but nonetheless I stayed, I tried and I was open about my feelings. I thought he was really someone who could change me, make me happy and make me realize a brighter side of life. How wrong was I. Cheating to me is pretty much anything, and this was all the way. It was the one thing I had protected myself against with every single person I didn't let in. He swears he loves me, he wants me back, he's sorry and that it'll never happen again, but how do you build a relationship that will last and that has true love involved if you start it off with something so wrong as cheating. It's funny how there are people, such as my roommate, who believe cheating is in the eyes of the beholder. That a kiss between people isn't cheating, however, I completely disagree. Maybe it's an age thing, maybe it's being on both ends of the cheating, or maybe it's just having loved someone and trusted someone completely that I feel that cheating is all inclusive. I won't go to say that people don't make mistakes and that they aren't sorry for them. I've made plenty and I've learned from them. I've been the person to cheat, I've been the person to have been cheated on and I've been the person that someone else is with while cheating on their significant other (which I was unaware of until later). Life can never just be simple. My friends think they know what it is that I feel or what it is I'm going through, but they don't. I don't exactly want them to understand because I don't want to be told how to handle this. I'm not going to say that handling it the way I am is the right way but I know that I feel something and that it's real. I used to think that the way I felt about things was just an overreaction but I realize now that it's part of my personality. I give so much to those around me that the tiniest things that go wrong hit me like a ton of bricks.
A good example of this is my roommate and me and the arguement she poses. She decides to passive agressively take out a messy apartment on me by taking away her television that was in the living room. Well I am told that I never clean, I sit in front of the tv hours on end, that I hog the living room, that I have my friends over all the time, that she can never have friends over, that we keep her up every night, and the list just goes on and on and on. Well it's true that there have been nights we have kept her up and I felt bad. I try to limit that but it happens, it's called living with a roommate. But as far as the rest goes I had a stressful week that involved trying to scramble to find money for a charity project (5300 dollars to be exact) on top of work, school, a tough grad class, new schedule, putting together a fundrasier that thanks to the Packers playing that Sunday did not go well, and family things and my own emotional problems as stated above. She acts as though she wasn't the messy one that I dealt with the first semester and what not else. She isn't a compassionate person, she doesn't care for anyone but herself because if she did she'd realize she cheats on her boyfriend and having guy friends stay over in your bed isn't appropriate, and she doesn't know how to get along with people who are not males. I guess the point of this story is that I put time and effort into things and I care about how she feels so it hurts me alot when she says things like that and it hurts me that she doesn't care at all about the things going on in my life. I've always told her my doors open to talk about anything that's going on with her that she's having a hard time dealing with. I get this all from my mom; we take on the world and let ourselves be the dumping ground for everyone around us.
I guess what is the conclusion to this rambling writing of thorughts, feelings, and problems in my life? I'm trying to turn a new leaf, to be a better, more cautious person. I'm ready to start new and to make the most of the things that are going on in my life. I'm hoping that writing more in this blog will help me move on from my past and continue to learn from it. I hope to become the person I want to be and to find that person that makes me a better person. Life is too short to let other's take the steering wheel and go where ever they please. I'm taking control back and I'm living life with no regrets.
Why did I cry so much and how silly does that seem? Well two years ago I lost my bestfriend and love of my life. We didn't always get along and we had our moments and were definitely up and down the relationship rollercoaster but I loved him just as much. We ended our relationship and a few months after he was with the same person he is with today. My heart is fully with him still and because we stopped talking and ended all means of communication my heart aches more. I love with all of my heart and while it may be a good thing for whoever I'm loving it is also a curse for me. Dating isn't in my vocabulary, or more so I haven't found anyone who wanted to take me on a date. Don't get me wrong I've had plenty of guys I've "dated" and plenty that I've had a semi serious relationship with, however, I can never give 100% and it's never fair. I always find a way to end things, to make sure I can't get hurt and make sure that I don't hurt them. I want to put my past in the past but my everyday revolves around my first and only love. He was my life for so long, and I know that not being together was the best decision we both made yet I still hurt over everything. As life goes on I feel like I'm getting too old, that maybe I should just give up on it all. I'm helping plan my little sisters wedding. Things are just not how I expected them to ever be. Maybe this is a way of life telling me to move on, start fresh, and let what comes come. I did have one serious relationship, my most recent and now finished relationship. I was faithful, at times cold and distant, but nonetheless I stayed, I tried and I was open about my feelings. I thought he was really someone who could change me, make me happy and make me realize a brighter side of life. How wrong was I. Cheating to me is pretty much anything, and this was all the way. It was the one thing I had protected myself against with every single person I didn't let in. He swears he loves me, he wants me back, he's sorry and that it'll never happen again, but how do you build a relationship that will last and that has true love involved if you start it off with something so wrong as cheating. It's funny how there are people, such as my roommate, who believe cheating is in the eyes of the beholder. That a kiss between people isn't cheating, however, I completely disagree. Maybe it's an age thing, maybe it's being on both ends of the cheating, or maybe it's just having loved someone and trusted someone completely that I feel that cheating is all inclusive. I won't go to say that people don't make mistakes and that they aren't sorry for them. I've made plenty and I've learned from them. I've been the person to cheat, I've been the person to have been cheated on and I've been the person that someone else is with while cheating on their significant other (which I was unaware of until later). Life can never just be simple. My friends think they know what it is that I feel or what it is I'm going through, but they don't. I don't exactly want them to understand because I don't want to be told how to handle this. I'm not going to say that handling it the way I am is the right way but I know that I feel something and that it's real. I used to think that the way I felt about things was just an overreaction but I realize now that it's part of my personality. I give so much to those around me that the tiniest things that go wrong hit me like a ton of bricks.
A good example of this is my roommate and me and the arguement she poses. She decides to passive agressively take out a messy apartment on me by taking away her television that was in the living room. Well I am told that I never clean, I sit in front of the tv hours on end, that I hog the living room, that I have my friends over all the time, that she can never have friends over, that we keep her up every night, and the list just goes on and on and on. Well it's true that there have been nights we have kept her up and I felt bad. I try to limit that but it happens, it's called living with a roommate. But as far as the rest goes I had a stressful week that involved trying to scramble to find money for a charity project (5300 dollars to be exact) on top of work, school, a tough grad class, new schedule, putting together a fundrasier that thanks to the Packers playing that Sunday did not go well, and family things and my own emotional problems as stated above. She acts as though she wasn't the messy one that I dealt with the first semester and what not else. She isn't a compassionate person, she doesn't care for anyone but herself because if she did she'd realize she cheats on her boyfriend and having guy friends stay over in your bed isn't appropriate, and she doesn't know how to get along with people who are not males. I guess the point of this story is that I put time and effort into things and I care about how she feels so it hurts me alot when she says things like that and it hurts me that she doesn't care at all about the things going on in my life. I've always told her my doors open to talk about anything that's going on with her that she's having a hard time dealing with. I get this all from my mom; we take on the world and let ourselves be the dumping ground for everyone around us.
I guess what is the conclusion to this rambling writing of thorughts, feelings, and problems in my life? I'm trying to turn a new leaf, to be a better, more cautious person. I'm ready to start new and to make the most of the things that are going on in my life. I'm hoping that writing more in this blog will help me move on from my past and continue to learn from it. I hope to become the person I want to be and to find that person that makes me a better person. Life is too short to let other's take the steering wheel and go where ever they please. I'm taking control back and I'm living life with no regrets.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Day One of Many
So it's day one of this blog. My purpose for starting this is that there are so many thoughts and reflections in my head that I need someway to talk about them, express them, and just get them out there. I know people won't necessarily agree with the things I think or say but instead of having a mini conversation with myself I feel that writing them down is better. Life gets stressful and I feel that in order to relieve stress, at least my stress, is to talk about it, to reflect on the stressors, find ways to get rid of them or at least make things easier, and to take a look at how to avoid it in the future.
Right now life is stressful. Between being in my 5th year of college (finally graduating this Spring), trying to set up the appropriate funding and trip expenses for my travel to Nicaragua in March with FIMRC to help build a well, family obligations, and friends life is hectic. My hopes are that through this blog I'll be able to help relieve some of my stress and maybe feel better about situations I don't always handle the best or feel that great about.
Right now life is stressful. Between being in my 5th year of college (finally graduating this Spring), trying to set up the appropriate funding and trip expenses for my travel to Nicaragua in March with FIMRC to help build a well, family obligations, and friends life is hectic. My hopes are that through this blog I'll be able to help relieve some of my stress and maybe feel better about situations I don't always handle the best or feel that great about.
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