Who knows what this day will bring but it is 00:36 and I'm excited. Why am I excited? Because I feel satisfied and maybe that's just a momentary thing but I feel satisfied. I feel like I'm normal. Normal isn't something that I feel normally. Maybe I should feel alone sitting downstairs in my aunt's basement, alone watching missed television shows on Hulu and movies on Netflix. Maybe I should feel sad or afraid of what is in front of me as far as my future. Most of the time I would but tonight, I'm content, satisfied, and happy. I can say I am going to bed with a smile on my face which hasn't happened in 9 months.
It amazes me how many people need to grow up and take charge of their lives and realize that there are so many more big problems out there. I'll admit I needed to grow up. I was immature, unknowing, and selfish in a sense that I was selfish because I didn't care to see more in the world. People can blind you, relationships can fog your sense of thinking, and friendships can steer you in different ways. In the past two years I have grown up by about 10 years. I feel like I have a new sense of self, world, and wanting. I have said for the past several posts that I'm ready for the next part of my life and I feel like it really has started. I have seen who my friends are and who they will be and I've realized who I shouldn't have in my life and even met some people who made me realize that's not what I want. I'm still waiting for that Mr. Right to come around but I have time, and I want time. I want time to make sure that they're the right person. I have a lot to give to people and I want to make sure that for once I'm getting what I deserve back. I'm no longer in a self-pity mode, lonely feeling, or needy. I'm ready to be open and accept what gets handed to me. I value the things my parents have taught me and the morals that I grew up with. I'm ready to make another life change and really lose some bad habits and lose some of the bad life choices I have chosen in the past.
People can pick on those who are Catholic or those who grow up in a stricter Catholic family but I'm glad I did. Not to say my parents are strict at all now days but there was discipline and love and my roots are what made me the person I am today. My family and my faith have helped me get through the tough news, the good news, and the decisions I have had to make in my life. I thank God for the health of my family and for maintaining the health of my mom. I thank my family for making me a strong person and making me independent. In the words of my mother, "I just want you girls to be independent and not depend on some man". Well mom, I can officially say I am that independent woman, and I have had to learn how to be that after leaning on someone or others for some time. I want to be happy for the rest of my life and I know there will be plenty of hard times and plenty of sad times, but I want to see the good in everything and I certainly do try.
Life has so many crazy things that happen and while sometimes it drives me nuts I've learned that no matter what I will get over wanting things that I know I can't or probably won't have, I will have something good come my way, I will have something go wrong, and that I will still come out on the other side.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Summer of 2011
And so it begins...another summer with amazing old friends and of course some new ones. I'm excited about the adventures to be had and I'm glad to have a new outlook on things. I am back to loving sports both watching and playing and back to being the person I have come to love being in the past. The great part about life and the different paths that are possible is the fact that you grow and learn more about the person you are, the person you want to be, and the person you didn't know you could be. I would like to think I'm a great daughter, sister, granddaughter, and friend. I would like to be a great companion, best friend, wife, and mother. I have learned I can love unconditionally, be non judgemental, open and a good listener. Let the summer of 2011 begin!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Self Conflict
As I am lying in bed praying to fall asleep, which was clearly unsuccessful, I think back to the beginning of the year, September 2010. I was moving in with a new roommate, I had a boyfriend, My life was on the right track, everything seemed in place and slowly as the year went on everything seemed to unravel. From that unraveled thread something new was made and my life is where I want it to be. But I sit in bed thinking about how difficult it was for me to break down all of my walls and give in and finally say that I'm open to let someone in and new opportunites in. I remember the exact moment that first happened at the end of summer 2010.
Driving home from work at 11:00 pm on a Saturday night I was crossing the bridge back to MN and I decided, what do I have to lose, what can I possibly get myself into other than something good by finally letting someone in. So I called that person and everything seemed good. I was the happiest I ever was when I returned to the cities on Sunday and that morning I opened the door to a man with flowers and I gave him the biggest hug ever because I felt relieved for once in my life to not feel like I was letting myself nor someone else down. I was ready to be happy. Turns out the flowers were "I messed up flowers" which translated into "I cheated on you, but I want to be with you". Wow my world was turned upside down and had been up until April 2011. I'm finally back 100%, fully charged and ready to go. I realize the mistakes I've made in the past and I realize the mistakes that I've let others make in the past. It's all different now. What is the point in waiting to let someone in. Well it probably is a good thing to be cautious but I'm going to trust my gut. My gut previously told me not to, which proved me right in the end but there have been plenty of chances where I said no, I can't. As of this moment it is I can. I am sick of saying no or I can't or sorry. I can is going to be a part of every aspect of my life. I'm ready to move on from the past, forgive those in my past, rekindle old frienships, make lots of new ones and be ready to accept everything that is thrown my way. I can make it through these three finals in the next twenty four hours and I will do it with good grades. I can make it through and see the end and I can get through the anxieties of graduation. There's a part of me sad that graduation will be without someone, that significant other to cheer me on, that can share it with but I have some of my closest friends there by my side and that makes me feel good. This makes me feel like I didn't completely mess up parts of my life. I have great friends and I know that on Saturday at 7:30 I will be walking out along side of them amongst many other acquaintances and I will make it through to the otherside happier than ever! I'm greatful for some of my greatest friends who will be there watching and supporting because they know my fears for that day. I can't thank them enough for everything they have done for me. I just hope that I have given some of that back and can continue to do that for them in the future. Bring it on Summer 2011, we are ready for you and have been waiting for sometime. What's the goal? To have an even better summer than the last!
Driving home from work at 11:00 pm on a Saturday night I was crossing the bridge back to MN and I decided, what do I have to lose, what can I possibly get myself into other than something good by finally letting someone in. So I called that person and everything seemed good. I was the happiest I ever was when I returned to the cities on Sunday and that morning I opened the door to a man with flowers and I gave him the biggest hug ever because I felt relieved for once in my life to not feel like I was letting myself nor someone else down. I was ready to be happy. Turns out the flowers were "I messed up flowers" which translated into "I cheated on you, but I want to be with you". Wow my world was turned upside down and had been up until April 2011. I'm finally back 100%, fully charged and ready to go. I realize the mistakes I've made in the past and I realize the mistakes that I've let others make in the past. It's all different now. What is the point in waiting to let someone in. Well it probably is a good thing to be cautious but I'm going to trust my gut. My gut previously told me not to, which proved me right in the end but there have been plenty of chances where I said no, I can't. As of this moment it is I can. I am sick of saying no or I can't or sorry. I can is going to be a part of every aspect of my life. I'm ready to move on from the past, forgive those in my past, rekindle old frienships, make lots of new ones and be ready to accept everything that is thrown my way. I can make it through these three finals in the next twenty four hours and I will do it with good grades. I can make it through and see the end and I can get through the anxieties of graduation. There's a part of me sad that graduation will be without someone, that significant other to cheer me on, that can share it with but I have some of my closest friends there by my side and that makes me feel good. This makes me feel like I didn't completely mess up parts of my life. I have great friends and I know that on Saturday at 7:30 I will be walking out along side of them amongst many other acquaintances and I will make it through to the otherside happier than ever! I'm greatful for some of my greatest friends who will be there watching and supporting because they know my fears for that day. I can't thank them enough for everything they have done for me. I just hope that I have given some of that back and can continue to do that for them in the future. Bring it on Summer 2011, we are ready for you and have been waiting for sometime. What's the goal? To have an even better summer than the last!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Finally Spring is Here
I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm semi-emotional. Dealing with the ups and downs of life can be rough but Graduation is almost here. It is exactly 9 days away and I'm nervous and excited. I have dreams about it. I realize that probably no one else is quite as crazy about graduation as I am. I don't even know why exactly I am. I suppose it has to do with the fact that it's something my parents and I have dreamt of for a while. It only took 5 years to finally get to this point but I can finally say that I've graduated from college. It's funny because I sit around and think about what I can do with my life in the meantime as I wait to get into a PA program and I can't think of anything. I can't think of a single way to use my TWO degrees. I think that's it's funny that after 60,000 dollars worth of debt I can't think of a single thing. BUT it's graduation, I'm finally done with slaving over school, for the time being. It's sunny out today and it makes me extremely happy and hopeful! Bring on graduation, bring on the real world, I'm ready to start something new.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Reflections on the 5th Year
Oh what a year full of ups and downs and twists and turns. I don't regret anything because I feel like if I did I wouldn't be the person that I am today. So many of my decisions, both good and bad, form me to be a better person each day. There are so many things to look forward to in the next few weeks.
1. Graduation May 14th
2. End of finals May 10th
3. CNA class starts May 16th
4. Moving out May 13th
5. Working a ton
6. Soundset @ end of May
I'm excited and very hopeful for the future. There have been a lot of new people in my life, old people in my life and I've lost some of those that meant a lot to me. But in the end everythiing turns out for the better. I have learned that I need to trust myself and give myself more credit for when I know something isn't right for myself. My biggest problem is listening to myself when it comes to those that I let get close to me. I need to learn to trust myself when I know that someone isn't good for me and when there are those that are good for me. Luckily, even though the first few months of the school year were extremely rough, a lot of really good people emerged into my life. There were some that were acquaintances from last summer and there were those I've known for years that have become a greater part of my life and it excites me.
My family is still my number one priority and getting my life together and finally on the right path is what they need for me to be able to take care of them. I know that my life doesn't have to be nearly as stressful as I make it out to be but I take on the worries of those around me and those that I care about (which is pretty much all of my friends and family). In the end hopefully helping those around me will pay off but until then I will keep doing my part.
It's time for myself again, it's time for me to be that carefree, loving, warm, happy person I was last May. While my happiness may have been in having met someone I really felt alot for, I think that I'm at that point in my life where independence is something I really need and that leaning on someone isn't what I need. I need to learn to trust myself, believe in myself, and realize that I need no one there to make me who I am and get me to where I need to be.
I'm hopeful for this summer to be better than the last and I'm hopeful that this next year will bring a lot of opportunities to me and that PA school will be in my near future. As I work through becoming a calmer not so high strung person I have learned that things that I worry about don't need to be my worry and that it's good to just go with the flow and take things as they come. Now that my life is more in order I feel like it's alot less clutter in my life and that it's time for me to finally take a step back and see all that I've accomplished and take time to be proud of myself and sit back and reap the benefits of all my hard work. Hopefully life keeps up on this rising rollercoaster ride. I'm open to accept every opportunity and really embrace the new things that come into my life.
1. Graduation May 14th
2. End of finals May 10th
3. CNA class starts May 16th
4. Moving out May 13th
5. Working a ton
6. Soundset @ end of May
I'm excited and very hopeful for the future. There have been a lot of new people in my life, old people in my life and I've lost some of those that meant a lot to me. But in the end everythiing turns out for the better. I have learned that I need to trust myself and give myself more credit for when I know something isn't right for myself. My biggest problem is listening to myself when it comes to those that I let get close to me. I need to learn to trust myself when I know that someone isn't good for me and when there are those that are good for me. Luckily, even though the first few months of the school year were extremely rough, a lot of really good people emerged into my life. There were some that were acquaintances from last summer and there were those I've known for years that have become a greater part of my life and it excites me.
My family is still my number one priority and getting my life together and finally on the right path is what they need for me to be able to take care of them. I know that my life doesn't have to be nearly as stressful as I make it out to be but I take on the worries of those around me and those that I care about (which is pretty much all of my friends and family). In the end hopefully helping those around me will pay off but until then I will keep doing my part.
It's time for myself again, it's time for me to be that carefree, loving, warm, happy person I was last May. While my happiness may have been in having met someone I really felt alot for, I think that I'm at that point in my life where independence is something I really need and that leaning on someone isn't what I need. I need to learn to trust myself, believe in myself, and realize that I need no one there to make me who I am and get me to where I need to be.
I'm hopeful for this summer to be better than the last and I'm hopeful that this next year will bring a lot of opportunities to me and that PA school will be in my near future. As I work through becoming a calmer not so high strung person I have learned that things that I worry about don't need to be my worry and that it's good to just go with the flow and take things as they come. Now that my life is more in order I feel like it's alot less clutter in my life and that it's time for me to finally take a step back and see all that I've accomplished and take time to be proud of myself and sit back and reap the benefits of all my hard work. Hopefully life keeps up on this rising rollercoaster ride. I'm open to accept every opportunity and really embrace the new things that come into my life.
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