Love...

             It's amazing how things that have no relation to your emotions or your situations or feelings can trigger such a response.  Sitting in front of the TV on a Sunday night watching the Hallmark movie starring Betty White and Jennifer Love Hewitt I cried through almost the entire thing.  If it weren't for commercial breaks I may have become dehydrated.  Betty White starred a woman who's love of her life went overseas during WWII and went missing in action.  Through the movie a reporter, Jennifer Love Hewitt, helps her find what happened to this man.  Basically the movie is about love and finding true love and how you can never put things off; rather it is so important to live in the moment as well as taking time to smell the roses. 
             Why did I cry so much and how silly does that seem?  Well two years ago I lost my bestfriend and love of my life.  We didn't always get along and we had our moments and were definitely up and down the relationship rollercoaster but I loved him just as much.  We ended our relationship and a few months after he was with the same person he is with today.  My heart is fully with him still and because we stopped talking and ended all means of communication my heart aches more.  I love with all of my heart and while it may be a good thing for whoever I'm loving it is also a curse for me.  Dating isn't in my vocabulary, or more so I haven't found anyone who wanted to take me on a date.  Don't get me wrong I've had plenty of guys I've "dated" and plenty that I've had a semi serious relationship with, however, I can never give 100% and it's never fair.  I always find a way to end things, to make sure I can't get hurt and make sure that I don't hurt them.  I want to put my past in the past but my everyday revolves around my first and only love.  He was my life for so long, and I know that not being together was the best decision we both made yet I still hurt over everything.  As life goes on I feel like I'm getting too old, that maybe I should just give up on it all.  I'm helping plan my little sisters wedding.  Things are just not how I expected them to ever be.  Maybe this is a way of life telling me to move on, start fresh, and let what comes come.  I did have one serious relationship, my most recent and now finished relationship.  I was faithful, at times cold and distant, but nonetheless I stayed, I tried and I was open about my feelings.  I thought he was really someone who could change me, make me happy and make me realize a brighter side of life.  How wrong was I.  Cheating to me is pretty much anything, and this was all the way.  It was the one thing I had protected myself against with every single person I didn't let in.  He swears he loves me, he wants me back, he's sorry and that it'll never happen again, but how do you build a relationship that will last and that has true love involved if you start it off with something so wrong as cheating.  It's funny how there are people, such as my roommate, who believe cheating is in the eyes of the beholder.  That a kiss between people isn't cheating, however, I completely disagree.  Maybe it's an age thing, maybe it's being on both ends of the cheating, or maybe it's just having loved someone and trusted someone completely that I feel that cheating is all inclusive.  I won't go to say that people don't make mistakes and that they aren't sorry for them.  I've made plenty and I've learned from them.  I've been the person to cheat, I've been the person to have been cheated on and I've been the person that someone else is with while cheating on their significant other (which I was unaware of until later).  Life can never just be simple.  My friends think they know what it is that I feel or what it is I'm going through, but they don't.  I don't exactly want them to understand because I don't want to be told how to handle this.  I'm not going to say that handling it the way I am is the right way but I know that I feel something and that it's real.  I used to think that the way I felt about things was just an overreaction but I realize now that it's part of my personality.  I give so much to those around me that the tiniest things that go wrong hit me like a ton of bricks. 
              A good example of this is my roommate and me and the arguement she poses.  She decides to passive agressively take out a messy apartment on me by taking away her television that was in the living room.  Well I am told that I never clean, I sit in front of the tv hours on end, that I hog the living room, that I have my friends over all the time, that she can never have friends over, that we keep her up every night, and the list just goes on and on and on.  Well it's true that there have been nights we have kept her up and I felt bad.  I try to limit that but it happens, it's called living with a roommate.  But as far as the rest goes I had a stressful week that involved trying to scramble to find money for a charity project (5300 dollars to be exact) on top of work, school, a tough grad class, new schedule, putting together a fundrasier that thanks to the Packers playing that Sunday did not go well, and family things and my own emotional problems as stated above.  She acts as though she wasn't the messy one that I dealt with the first semester and what not else.  She isn't a compassionate person, she doesn't care for anyone but herself because if she did she'd realize she cheats on her boyfriend and having guy friends stay over in your bed isn't appropriate, and she doesn't know how to get along with people who are not males.  I guess the point of this story is that I put time and effort into things and I care about how she feels so it hurts me alot when she says things like that and it hurts me that she doesn't care at all about the things going on in my life.  I've always told her my doors open to talk about anything that's going on with her that she's having a hard time dealing with.  I get this all from my mom; we take on the world and let ourselves be the dumping ground for everyone around us. 
              I guess what is the conclusion to this rambling writing of thorughts, feelings, and problems in my life?  I'm trying to turn a new leaf, to be a better, more cautious person.  I'm ready to start new and to make the most of the things that are going on in my life.  I'm hoping that writing more in this blog will help me move on from my past and continue to learn from it.  I hope to become the person I want to be and to find that person that makes me a better person.  Life is too short to let other's take the steering wheel and go where ever they please.  I'm taking control back and I'm living life with no regrets.

Day One of Many

So it's day one of this blog.  My purpose for starting this is that there are so many thoughts and reflections in my head that I need someway to talk about them, express them, and just get them out there.  I know people won't necessarily agree with the things I think or say but instead of having a mini conversation with myself I feel that writing them down is better.  Life gets stressful and I feel that in order to relieve stress, at least my stress, is to talk about it, to reflect on the stressors, find ways to get rid of them or at least make things easier, and to take a look at how to avoid it in the future. 

Right now life is stressful. Between being in my 5th year of college (finally graduating this Spring), trying to set up the appropriate funding and trip expenses for my travel to Nicaragua in March with FIMRC to help build a well, family obligations, and friends life is hectic.  My hopes are that through this blog I'll be able to help relieve some of my stress and maybe feel better about situations I don't always handle the best or feel that great about.