The Future

Once again I'm lying in bed unable to sleep so I decide to turn to my blog, if you can even call this one.  I can't sleep and it's most likely due to the fact that I'm sleeping in my own bed for once.  I have a very hard time sleeping when I'm not next to my boyfriend.  I can't wait until July when I am finally out of this apartment and officially 100% move in with the bf.  It's a big step to move in with someone and it scares me to death to make this step but I'm ready for it and I think it's a good thing.  I love him more than words could ever describe and I know that he loves me the same.  For once I have found someone that makes me laugh constantly, have a hard time getting/staying mad with, very few fights, loves to cook and eats a lot of different things, and someone who likes to explores new things.  I love that there is so much we do together and the fact that we found each other playing volleyball is awesome.  He is the one guy who has supported me with everything.  I feel safe when I'm with him and miss him every minute I'm not with him.  I can't wait for our future together and while my mother asks all the time if we have talked about marriage, which we haven't, he is the first guy that I haven't questioned about if he's The ONE.  He is the one and I know it with every part of my being.  I am not embarrassed by the silly things he does and he lets my totally goofy, crazy, confusing side come out without judging me.  I'm glad that we took it slow from the beginning.  Yet another thing he was very understanding about.  This man is the love of my life and the first person I can truly say that I love. I thought I had been in love before but I now know what it means to be truly IN love. While there are still days that I ache over my past, I know that my future is looking amazing.  Everyday holds something new and our love for each other grows exponentially.

Why?

I started this blog in order for me to help get out the things that are in my head so that others don't have to hear them and so that I don't have to constantly keep them inside of myself.  Well I'm sitting at work waiting for my shift to start and I can't help but feel really lonely.  I felt lonely last night and what did I do? I closed myself off from the world and watched tv shows and tried to keep my mind off of everything.  Why am I lonely?  Well I just spent an entire week surrounded by people and my boyfriend and not having anyone around makes me feel very alone.  I miss my family constantly and I miss just having them around.  I am so used to being with people and with people who are constantly home.  I am used to having a boyfriend I see almost everyday and if I don't I talk/text with them constantly.  This is new for me, to have someone who I'm lucky if I even get a response within 24 hours or even at all.  I know personal space is important and I forget that frequently, however, I'm not used to feeling so alone.  I think I feel my constant loneliness with those around me and that's good but I'm scared I depend on it to much.  Tonight, I am going to get a drink with friends simply because I didn't want to bother asking my boyfriend if we could hang out since I get off of work late and I feel like I'm a bother.  I asked my friends for a drink simply because I don't want to go home to the apartment and be alone again.  I love my friends and I love spending time with them, it's not that I'm using them to fill a void but I hate being lonely and will do anything to avoid feeling that way.  This isn't something new that I have come to realize, I have always felt this way.  Loneliness is not something new and the things that have happened through my life have left me feeling lonely frequently.  Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is amazing and I love him deeply, he is always there for me and would be if I bugged him enough tonight but I don't want to chase him away and be too needy.  I love my independence I just hate being lonely.  I think that's partially why I love school so much because it distracts me and keeps me busy.  It also makes me have to separate myself from people in order to make sure I am getting my stuff done.  Hopefully I can get into a good program and move forward with my life.  Too much loneliness allows me to think and dwell too much on my current problems and uncertainties. 

January 2012

So once again it's a new year.  I'm excited for what is ahead but I'm scared.  I realized that I am so uncertain of my future, haunted by my past and stressed by the present.  I hate new years resolutions, however, this year I have one.  I want to get in shape and that's exactly what I intend to do.  In order to help see this through I am taking pictures, measurements and weights weekly and I am finally planning my meals ahead of time and sticking to them.  No fast food, and if I eat Chinese food which is a must weekly I have to control my portion sizes.  I am excited to start this because I want to be fit and ready to go come warm weather.  Hopefully by having this goal I can keep my mind off of things that stress me and calm me. Happy New Year! 

Blessings

Blessings by Laura Story is one of the most amazing songs I have heard in a while.  It reminds me that everything will be alright in the end and that we need to take the bad because it may lead to something good. 
I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.  My family has always been there even though we have had our differences.  My sister and brother are finally becoming some of my best friends and it makes me extremely happy.  I have an amazing roommate who has been there through the laughs and the tears.  I now have a new person in my life for the past six months, who from the beginning has been one of my biggest fans and one of the biggest supports in my life.  He is the most amazing person I have met and I definitely don't tell him that enough.  He has been the one person who makes me feel loved and makes me feel secure and I know that I can trust him and that he trusts me.  My boyfriend is the one person in the past six months who has been there for me through everything and whenever I need him.  It is so weird to have the support that he has given me and it is something I am not used to experiencing with any of my past relationships.  As I am going through changes in my life I know that all of these people will be there for me and it is something that I thank God for because he has been there for me since the beginning.  I do the things I do for those that help me because I want to help them and make them proud of me. 

Changes

In the past 5 months my life has changed so much.  I have found someone when I least expected it.  This person came into my life and has made me a much different person.  We share so many things together but most of all volleyball. I have come to realize that the past 8 years I have been kidding myself and pretending to be happy because the people I was around the those I dated loved me more when I was happy.  Putting a smile on my face and masking my emotions was what I learned to do best and even tricked myself into thinking I was happy.  For the first time in a long time I can say I am truly happy and that no one has ever made me this happy.  For the first time last week I admitted that I was in love and that I wasn't afraid of it but cautious.  I'm excited for the Holiday season and getting to spend some of the most important times of the year with someone I care so deeply for.  I am excited to see where the next 6 months take me.  School is up in the air, my relationship is growing, my friend network is growing, my family is finally all on the same page and I feel like some peace is coming into my life. 

This month was the month of things I am grateful for...these are things I am grateful for:
1. My family
2. My amazing boyfriend
3. The health of myself and family
4. Renewal of my faith
5. My amazing Friends, New and Old
6. Having a great apartment
7. Having not only one job but two
8. Everything I have in my life

Soo Long

It has been quite some time since the last time I have sat down and blogged.  Life has been crazy.  I finally quit my job at Fleet, still have my job in the Lab and now work for ACR Homes.  I'm excited and scared at the same time.  I hope that school work gets done and that I get good grades but I just have to work harder than I have up to now.  As far as the rest of my life it's been amazing.  Josh is an amazing person who treats me so well.  Currently I found out that my old boyfriend is moving to Michigan with his girflriend.  I'm happy for him I just hope that he makes Michigan for himself not his girlfriend.  He means the world to me and always will but Josh is the first person to make me not think about him almost ever.  I couldn't have asked for a better person.  With school and work he knows how busy I am and does all that he can to help me relieve stress.  I'm excited because we are hosting a volleyball tournament for FIMRC which should hopefully be a good fundraiser.  I love that we share volleyball, I love having something active in common that we can do together.  Well it's late, and I have to be up early but I figured a quick update was necessary.  Life is busy and crazy but I'm happier and more stressed than I have ever been!

Bath Time

It's been a while since I've written.  I feel like in a matter of 20 days my entire life has changed courses.  I officially want to go on to receive my masters for Nursing and then go on to become a DNP.  I just know that I want to help people and this is the best way and why I haven't thought of this before blows my mind.  I think it might be because my mother scared me out of being a nurse but not because she's an amazing one but she feels she should have gone on with her career, taken it to a new level.  I'm excited to know what I want to do now I just have to get it.  I'm working like crazy to make sure that this happens.  I recently had an interview for biolife, which I hope I land this job because it would be amazing not only for myself but also for helping me get into the nursing profession.

I need to get back in touch with everyone concerning FIMRC because there is so much possibility for us this year.  I'm excited that I'm going to be back for a full year and that I can be there with this group for all the activities I had planned in the spring.  There's something about helping people that makes life so worth it.  There are days that I get down and I feel like a failure, but I feel like I'm on a good path. 

As far as the rest of my life.  Socially I feel like I've drifted a bit from my friends but we are all so busy with jobs, lives, and relationships that I feel we have lost time for eachother.  It's good though, the fact that we are all growing up, having jobs and having relationships.  I'm glad that I myself have something of a relationship going.  I'm extremely happy and it makes me happy everyday that I wake up knowing that something good has been happening in my life.  Having no arguments, no "yelling" disagreements and a shared love of food makes things easy.  I can't remember the last time things in life were easy but this is.  There is such little expectation and a lot of fun.  As I sat in an amazing bath tonight I realized that I'm so much different than a year ago and especially from two years ago.  I feel that if my exes saw me today they'd rethink alot of what happened between me and them good and bad.  But that's a good thing for me.  I'm changing, evolving and becoming the person I really want to be.  I'm in something good, I have good things happening for myself in school and career wise.  It scares me a bit because I'll admit that I'm just waiting for something to go wrong.  Whether it is with school and getting financial aid or not getting this new job, life just makes me nervous.  I've been seeing this guy for about a month and a half and I'm just waiting for that moment that he either wakes up and realizes this isn't what he wants or I somehow talk myself out of it.  So far neither has happened.  A friend from high school recently passed away.  She was a year younger and it makes me realize how fragile life is and that I really need to stop self sabotaging.  It is no good for me and even worse for those around me.  I'm going to let the good come and handle the bad as it presents itself.  I'll question things from time to time and not know what to do about a lot of hard things but I'll survive, I'll get through them and I'll try to make the best of everything.  It is sad because I'm going to be gone for a long period of time from the guy I'm seeing yet I'm so excited to catch up with really old friends, new friends, and get to experience the few things I've looked forward to all summer.  I'm drinking life in in many different ways!