Why?

I started this blog in order for me to help get out the things that are in my head so that others don't have to hear them and so that I don't have to constantly keep them inside of myself.  Well I'm sitting at work waiting for my shift to start and I can't help but feel really lonely.  I felt lonely last night and what did I do? I closed myself off from the world and watched tv shows and tried to keep my mind off of everything.  Why am I lonely?  Well I just spent an entire week surrounded by people and my boyfriend and not having anyone around makes me feel very alone.  I miss my family constantly and I miss just having them around.  I am so used to being with people and with people who are constantly home.  I am used to having a boyfriend I see almost everyday and if I don't I talk/text with them constantly.  This is new for me, to have someone who I'm lucky if I even get a response within 24 hours or even at all.  I know personal space is important and I forget that frequently, however, I'm not used to feeling so alone.  I think I feel my constant loneliness with those around me and that's good but I'm scared I depend on it to much.  Tonight, I am going to get a drink with friends simply because I didn't want to bother asking my boyfriend if we could hang out since I get off of work late and I feel like I'm a bother.  I asked my friends for a drink simply because I don't want to go home to the apartment and be alone again.  I love my friends and I love spending time with them, it's not that I'm using them to fill a void but I hate being lonely and will do anything to avoid feeling that way.  This isn't something new that I have come to realize, I have always felt this way.  Loneliness is not something new and the things that have happened through my life have left me feeling lonely frequently.  Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is amazing and I love him deeply, he is always there for me and would be if I bugged him enough tonight but I don't want to chase him away and be too needy.  I love my independence I just hate being lonely.  I think that's partially why I love school so much because it distracts me and keeps me busy.  It also makes me have to separate myself from people in order to make sure I am getting my stuff done.  Hopefully I can get into a good program and move forward with my life.  Too much loneliness allows me to think and dwell too much on my current problems and uncertainties. 

January 2012

So once again it's a new year.  I'm excited for what is ahead but I'm scared.  I realized that I am so uncertain of my future, haunted by my past and stressed by the present.  I hate new years resolutions, however, this year I have one.  I want to get in shape and that's exactly what I intend to do.  In order to help see this through I am taking pictures, measurements and weights weekly and I am finally planning my meals ahead of time and sticking to them.  No fast food, and if I eat Chinese food which is a must weekly I have to control my portion sizes.  I am excited to start this because I want to be fit and ready to go come warm weather.  Hopefully by having this goal I can keep my mind off of things that stress me and calm me. Happy New Year!