A Year Ago

A year ago my life seemed like it was getting back on track.  From the summer of 2009 to the spring of 2010 my life had been a series of dates, hook ups, and trying to find the right person.  It's funny now that I can look back on it but it seemed like the Fall of 2009 was going to be good to me and bring me to someone that I had once had feelings for and that I would finally get to explore those feelings.  He is an amazing person and someone that will always have a place in my heart.  He helped me realize that I could be and do anything and also helped me realize that I could be loved again and that I could potentially love someone back.  Through our ups and downs through that short period of relationship, as well as the years previously, I have not and will never lose respect for him.  He is a great person with such a great future in front of him.  It's sad to think that we were just never on the same page to be able to give ourselves a chance but I know that he is extremely happy with his new girlfriend and I am overjoyed for him.  I've turned down many guys who were perfect or at least seemed to be.  I got to a point where I felt I needed to run because if I didn't they would eventually.  I realize that's really a typical response for a lot of people who have dealt with a really big breakup with a very significant relationship, however, it's exactly how I looked at things.  By spring 2010 I was ready to give it a chance with someone else that I found who I thought the world of when I met him.  Everything seemed great, other than the fact that I was completely unable to give my best efforts.  The day that I was to tell him that I was going to just go with it, give it a shot with nothing holding me back was the day I found out he had cheated on me.  Ha! story of my life.  I guess it's Karma in a sense.  I think that these past few months have really put me on a weird rollercoaster that I can't seem to get off of but I'm ready to.

I realize that post after post sounds the same and that I come to these realizations a lot, however, I know that I may the only person who can make myself better, who can find true happiness, and I am someone who does deserve something good.  I feel like I've paid my dues and now it's time to just go on with life and be happy again.  It's funny how easy it is to lose your happiness sometimes and how hard it is to get back to it but once you do you realize how stupid you were for ever losing it in the first place.  I'm ready.  I want my life to not seem like I'm wasting time or losing time but to seem like it's the best time of my life that I'll never get back.  There are so many things in my future that I can't wait for, no matter how nerve racking they can be.  I'm lucky to have the support of my family; I don't know what I would do if I didn't have them.  I hope that I am doing everything I can to be that support for them as well as for my friends.  I'm done living in the past; I want to move into the future remembering the mistakes I've made but not dwelling on them.