A Year Ago

A year ago my life seemed like it was getting back on track.  From the summer of 2009 to the spring of 2010 my life had been a series of dates, hook ups, and trying to find the right person.  It's funny now that I can look back on it but it seemed like the Fall of 2009 was going to be good to me and bring me to someone that I had once had feelings for and that I would finally get to explore those feelings.  He is an amazing person and someone that will always have a place in my heart.  He helped me realize that I could be and do anything and also helped me realize that I could be loved again and that I could potentially love someone back.  Through our ups and downs through that short period of relationship, as well as the years previously, I have not and will never lose respect for him.  He is a great person with such a great future in front of him.  It's sad to think that we were just never on the same page to be able to give ourselves a chance but I know that he is extremely happy with his new girlfriend and I am overjoyed for him.  I've turned down many guys who were perfect or at least seemed to be.  I got to a point where I felt I needed to run because if I didn't they would eventually.  I realize that's really a typical response for a lot of people who have dealt with a really big breakup with a very significant relationship, however, it's exactly how I looked at things.  By spring 2010 I was ready to give it a chance with someone else that I found who I thought the world of when I met him.  Everything seemed great, other than the fact that I was completely unable to give my best efforts.  The day that I was to tell him that I was going to just go with it, give it a shot with nothing holding me back was the day I found out he had cheated on me.  Ha! story of my life.  I guess it's Karma in a sense.  I think that these past few months have really put me on a weird rollercoaster that I can't seem to get off of but I'm ready to.

I realize that post after post sounds the same and that I come to these realizations a lot, however, I know that I may the only person who can make myself better, who can find true happiness, and I am someone who does deserve something good.  I feel like I've paid my dues and now it's time to just go on with life and be happy again.  It's funny how easy it is to lose your happiness sometimes and how hard it is to get back to it but once you do you realize how stupid you were for ever losing it in the first place.  I'm ready.  I want my life to not seem like I'm wasting time or losing time but to seem like it's the best time of my life that I'll never get back.  There are so many things in my future that I can't wait for, no matter how nerve racking they can be.  I'm lucky to have the support of my family; I don't know what I would do if I didn't have them.  I hope that I am doing everything I can to be that support for them as well as for my friends.  I'm done living in the past; I want to move into the future remembering the mistakes I've made but not dwelling on them.   

Making a Change

It's amazing how some people that you let into your life will just never see things from another person's perspective or ever attempt to try to understand another position because the one important position to them is their own.  I've always been a very giving person whether it's to strangers, friends, family, or significant others.  It's a mistake and yet something that I feel is a good quality to have.  It hurts at times to be that way because it is a lot easier to be taken advantage of.  Tonight was an eye opener and actually this weekend was.  Between being yelled at about not communicating my thoughts or feelings by someone too drunk to even know what's going on in the world and dealing with another person who just can't wrap their head around taking the words that I say and following them.  I don't know what I do to make the ones that I don't want to be with want to be with me.  I just want something normal in my life and I want my life to be back to where I was a year ago.  Independence to me is the most important part of my life and I want it completely back and I don't want to have to feel like I need to worry about someone else's feelings.  Starting tomorrow it's a whole new day.  A day where I leave the past behind me, the future bright in front of me.  I need only positive things and people in my life.  I need to make this happen for myself or it never will.  I can't hold anyone else accountable for my happiness, "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."  And in the words of Andy Grammar there are only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, it's a circle that will come around but you have to keep your head up.

The Week Ahead

I'm excited for this week.  I'm trying to stay positive and not let anything get me down or in my way.  It's my birthday week.  I turn 23 officially Tuesday evening.  It's another year done with and it's slightly nerve racking because I don't know what it is that I'm doing with my life.  I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to be doing especially since school applications haven't been going the way that I want.  But no matter what this week is going to be a good week.  I have my schedule written out and all of my work that needs to be done written down.  This weekend involves awesome people who make my world amazing as well as volleyball on Sunday.  It's been a hard few weeks and I'm ready to put it all behind me. 

My challenge this past weekend was dealing with a friend who wanted more than friends.  How do you tell someone that you love as a friend that you don't want to be anything more? ...for a second time.  I feel like those are the type of people I attract; I attract those types of people that are not right for me in anyway yet somehow they end up liking me.  I'm not complaining but it's still not a good situation because I feel it hurts my relationships with my friends at times.  It's also stressful on me when I'm not doing anything to lead another person on yet it still happens.  But with that past me and with my sisters wedding dress shopping past us I'm ready for this week.  I'm so glad my sister found a dress that we could see she clearly loved from the moment she stepped in to it.  Now just to lose some weight and get fitted for the bridesmaid dress.  I love my sister more and more each year and each chance we get to grow into our more mature sisterly roles.  We have always been best friends and always loved eachother but until recently we haven't really gotten a long well since we were little girls.  I feel she's finally maturing and realizing that she needs to grow up.  She's engaged to be married in a year and a half and it's time to get into that big girl role.  She's only 20 but it's time she starts to take responsibility on such as helping me out with my grandparents.  My family is the most important thing to me and making sure that they are all happy and living well makes me feel so much better. 

But anyhow, this week is going to be a good week.